[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
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Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
accurate
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
✌🏽
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*