At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
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HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
new record!
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.