[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Bro what is this
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.