@chrisanna4real Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
@TheCatWhisprer [at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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@chrisanna4real 
@meatlobes *im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
@GreenishDuck Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
@Rmwspurs I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
@zombieparrot Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
@SardonicTart Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
@TheGrimKing I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
@SomeChrisTweets HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
@matt_travelling So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”