@TheCatWhisprer

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

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@chrisanna4real

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

@GreenishDuck

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

@Rmwspurs

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

@zombieparrot

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

@

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@matt_travelling

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”