[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Don’t snitch tag.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.