*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
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You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1