*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.