[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
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Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis