[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS