[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
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“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what