[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.