@joeljeffrey

[At job interview]

Interviewer: Do you have a police record?

Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette

*hires me instantly

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@thongbeard

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

@_Water_Baby

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

@Harbinger_one

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

@Brampersandon_

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

@TheBoydP

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

@WarrenHolstein

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

@TheTimmyToes

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes