[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.