[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
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Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
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Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball