At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
mathematically impossible
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
U talkin 2 me?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*