(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
You Might Also Like
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
The human personality is made of five key elements
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.