[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.