[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

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party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which


“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it


Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today


In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.


Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting


“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast


I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.


gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*


Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”