@Fred_Delicious

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

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@meganamram

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

@CornOnTheGoblin

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

@jenniferfralic

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

@AlanFelyk

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

@brendohare

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

@PinkCamoTO

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

@trumpetcake

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

@I_am_carbs

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

@ramblinma

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”