At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
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‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.