[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
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sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
WHY would you be happy about this?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
*seductively corrects your posture*
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
The happy life.. 😊
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.