*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
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You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
buying dead houseplants to save time