@cnnbrk

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

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@jonnysun

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

@stephenjmolloy

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

@PSimp114

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

@

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

@writerPT

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

@bossybutfair

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?