My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
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ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
wife:We have more than one
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.