@cnnbrk

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

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@kevinthedad

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

@sock_holliday

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

@dustinbeavers

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

@IHideFromMyKids

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

@ericsshadow

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

@iwearaonesie

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

@Book_Krazy

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

@Brianhopecomedy

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

@walks_on_legs

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.