at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
You Might Also Like
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.