At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
*gets down on one knee*
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.