“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
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A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
*Seductively hides in the woods
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.