At least he brought enough for everyone
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Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Just a friendly reminder!
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.