At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
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My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants