At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person