@MelvinofYork

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

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@banged_upCanuck

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

@heathesauruss

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

@JillianKarger

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

@SamanthaaaReece

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

@jollyrobber

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

@TheDeadfishSays

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

@rajandelman

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

@FredTaming

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

@turtlekiosk

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that