@banged_upCanuck Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
@MelvinofYork At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
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@banged_upCanuck 
@heathesauruss Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
@JillianKarger **Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
@SamanthaaaReece Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
@jollyrobber You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
@TheDeadfishSays “I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
@Home_Halfway Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
@rajandelman The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
@FredTaming doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
@turtlekiosk guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that