At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
The best plant holders?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather