@MelvinofYork

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

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@ShutUpThatsWho

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?

@fakegothsarah

Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???

@Kali_Mura

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

@kiralc

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

@Reverend_Scott

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

@causticbob

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

@nedostup

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.