At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
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This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?