At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Nothing.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.