At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
You Might Also Like
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I already tried new things thanks.