“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
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Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher