[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
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NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
It’s an epidemic…
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
the three genders