[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
You Might Also Like
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Jail
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…