[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
You Might Also Like
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.