At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.