Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
You Might Also Like
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.