@kevinrowe1

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

You Might Also Like

@GringoBrulee

Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.

-me to my beer.

@AaronFullerton

I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”

@Matt_The_1st

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

@TeaAndCopy

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

@tyiepo

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

@notalogin

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

@KizerBillhelm

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

@nishadtrivedi

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.