At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

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Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.


Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.


Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work


I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*


Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.


I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.


BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.


When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.


A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”