At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
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The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.