At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
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my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.