At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?