At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.