At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*