[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
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[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004