at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy