At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
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I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
the icebreaker
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Challenge accepted.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
dutch so unserious
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?