At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
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God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet