At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

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“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.


I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.


I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.


Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…


LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan


“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism


My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.


I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones


I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind


Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.