At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I’m putting together a team
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!