At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.