At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
You Might Also Like
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?