I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
NSA: dude, let it go
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.