At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Happy Taco Tuesday
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.