@Ygrene

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

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@mrjohndarby

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@sploosk

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

@JeffSarcastic

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

@ozzyunc

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

@TweetPotato314

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

@imence2

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

@DadandBuried

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

@GrillinChillin9

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

@WilliamAder

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.