At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
shit just got real
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
😂
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*